“A lot has change ever since we first met” looking at him while he rest next to her lost in his dream world, suddenly it took her back when he first touched her. It all begun with a “KISS” that “KISS” was not just a kiss it was something beyond pair of lips locking together. The way he held her, the way he melted her in his warm arms giving her shrug as someone being kissed for the first time in their teens. She still remember every second every minute of that moment , longing after years of deprivation he was first being to reach her “ was it just because of that “ she thought, before she could realize she was flipping the pages of time trying to find out where she stands as now it’s time for closures .
“People change with the time and they always leave “ she was aware of this but somehow she was avoiding the face of reality and the truth that one day he will leave also but now when she can see the changes in him, she knows that time is not far when he will leave too. Over the period of month, conversation from frequent has become seldom to rare, the day which once started and ended with his voice has now confined to text messages and that too either with late or no reply. Though he still says “I miss you” but that also sometime sounds being enforced.
This unnamed relation is based on no expectations or say “ NO STRING ATTACHED” theory from day one which is very much clear among both of them but for her it was just not physical pleasure rather it’s the feeling of being “COMPLETE” which ties her in a very strange bond with him . The fear of losing him has made her deny the fact she has feelings for him, not just in front of him but also within her. “FEELINGS“, damn these feelings” she muttered, these feelings were not defined to her, has she fallen for him ? No, all she knows she likes him, love to be in his company and with time she has grown fond of him, it has been difficult for her to pretend she is “ ALL OK” when deep down inside she knows what he says may be not true, but in the end the temptation of spending few hours with him makes her ignore everything. “LIVE IN THE MOMENT “that’s what she has been trying to follow every minute, every second every hour against her nature.
“I am nothing in front of him, I look horrible but he still takes pain for me so what if its few hours in a month”, she thought while moving her fingers in his hair watching him sleeping like a little bird brought a faint smile on her face which faded in few seconds turning into tears rolling from her eyes. “If he wants me to step back why does no he say so” she thought. She remembered him saying “it will never be lust”, was it just for time being? Does it happen everywhere with everyone? Does making love become only sex after certain period of time? If that’s the case why she still gets goose bumps when he kisses her or the flow of strange energy throughout her body when they become one?
The snuggling and fondling around seems to be lessening then before but, though everything seems to be same but still something is missing. He no longer held her in his arms after making love, he no longer kisses her forehead, and no more searching her while he is sleeping or hugging her saying “she is a teddy”. The moment the list of things missing started piling she realized these are not just few things but these are those things which made her come close to him, those love names, those leg pulling and those short calls even when he is surrounded by people saying he just wanted to hear her voice made her feel like she still exist in the world of society ruled beings.
“So it’s coming to a point where nothing would be left to give ” she whispered while looking at him with eyes filled with pain of fear and sorrow. She never realized until today how LUST took over the PASSION, how MAKING LOVE become SEX or NEED. “For him I am maybe just a stopover before he reaches his destination” she mocked her over such thought. “He has been giving me signs it’s just I was ignoring them but now time to face the music.” She said to herself. “
Lost her in her own web of thoughts she almost forget about him, he was awake now over the phone texting someone usually she would turn her face away when he is busy with such things but something caught her eyes. “MISSING YOU” he wrote or someone wrote to him and the reply was” ME TOO”. At first she was furious and which is obvious but then she thought it was suppose to be like this somewhere she knew it. She turned her face away as if it does not matter but it does and it did, when she is with him, she is only with him. Being monogamous is what she followed and still following but may be it’s not the case with him. She turned towards him again he is still lost and engrossed with his phone, still chatting but this time with his brother. Being curious she decided to have a look, seeing the conversation she started regretting the decision. Her world crashed, she felt like slapping not him but her, the rosy picture became all shabby. “All men are of same bone” she thought and got up and went in different room saying nothing to him.
One get attached when being physically active and satisfied with someone and when it comes to being indifferent about it, can be painful for few as one has to master the art of “DETACHMENT”, yes the art of detachment which can be best practice by becoming a silent or Invisible spectator she recalled reading it somewhere. He is seeing someone or doing things with someone, somehow that does not bother her much (but it does a little) what bother her is the LIES said to shade it. The feeling of getting MOCKED among strangers bothers her, feeling of being portrayed as a BITCH bothers her and above all finding about the truth not from him but accidentally incarnates the fear of hating herself all the more.
She was not able to handle this anymore, the restlessness was reaching on its peak, “That’s it no more sabotaging me on one part of story and if there is no other part it has to end right away” saying this to her she moved to reach him but then she stopped, she is probably over thinking about it or may be over reacting, maybe she is right on some part but is it being physical is what brings them together or there is something more. There were many instances when he cleared her head, tried to give her right direction when she seems to be lost, they are good friends before anything else. Does it do justice to their friendship if she runs the axe of situations on it? The answer was “NO”. In the eyes of other and him, maybe she is the dumbest person who still wants to be with him as much she can after knowing the truth but for her his mere existence during the time when she needed a support was a huge thing which she will never forget.
It would take her time to accept the changes but change is constant and inevitable so rather denying it one has to change as per it. There is a very thin line between Making LOVE for feelings and just SEX for lust or need which can never be defined easily… Something which has to change will change one cannot stop it but yes what one can do is to become neutral and prepared for a bitter end cause life is not like a fairytale with a happy ending. Reality is much more bitter and hard to swallow, she has seen the worst and probably its one of those learning stones she needs to flip and clear the path for being better her. The day she will be above all these vicious cycle, the day she will be able to be” HER” only probably would be the THE LAST MOUNTAIN SHE HAS TO CLIMB…..