Everytime I decide to say Bye you change my decision with such small thing ” A moment of Joy with you”
We….who are WE? What makes us WE? How I become WE? Etc. These are some of the few questions which were hunting her in and out almost every second and every minute of her life
In broad day light sitting around the porch Nishi was going through the pages of her life. At this point in life where she stands, forcing her to take decisions in-context of WE not Me or I. Since when her life became so tangled she wondered.
Nishi Singh or known as Nishi Srivastava after marriage has been a woman or girl (as she feel like teenage) who is full of life with a smile on her face but very few knew how much pain is there under the mask of that smile she carries proudly. Her life has been like an Ocean, like ocean is barely still, different from the surface in contradictory to what lies beneath the surface yet to explore with lot of surprises for one to find. She has never seen her life over period of 28 yrs going smooth as silk as most says it’s been a roller coaster ride for her.
Born as a youngest daughter with a decade gap from two elder sisters she was blessed with not only love and care of her parents but also her sisters. She was father’s joy, mother’s doll and sister’s kid. Her wishes were their command specially for her eldest sister “Badi Didi”. Despite of her failures in different aspects of life her sisters, parents and friends have never left her. Life was much better than now she thought. Married at the age of 20 to a man who was 9 yrs elder to her with her conscious was making her today regret the decision. With almost 7 yrs of marriage she has finally planned to step out of knot which has become shackles rather than bond of life. Lost in her thoughts suddenly familiar sound pierced her ear it was her phone ringing, loud enough to pull her out from web thoughts.
The name displayed on phone changed her expression from pain to joy it was Shaunak. Shaunak is her childhood friend who despite Nishi being unpredictable emotional fool has been clinching on to her and deep down inside Nishi have had thanked God countless time to have her in her life. Shaunak’s and her life has been parallel as Nishi; she is the youngest sibling in her family with similar age difference with her sisters. There is no such experience of their life Nishi can faintly recall is not similar. Nishi and Shaunak met each other during my 9th standard when Shaunak joined their school and they became good friends in short span of time, friends for ever rather. Due to financial issues Shaunak has to join Nishi’s school which was an English medium semi govt. school from one of the repudiated convent school in Delhi. After 11 years of committed relationship being married to Sanjeev and blessed with baby boy born unplanned though (something which will cover later) Shaunak is a dedicated mother, a loving wife but known to few still thrives to do something BIG in her life.
Before Nishi could say anything to greet her best friend Shaunak was shouting “You bitch what’s wrong with you can’t you manage to come and see me once” Nishi was aware of the reason and such slang is common between her and Shaunak. They both seems to be grown to be women but both knew they are one of those tough one who are not less than any men around. Nishi smiled saying “I will come and meet you soon just being disturbed regarding Hitesh not responding in time for divorce” with her voice heavy. Shaunak with her furious tone replied “You sure it’s about Hitesh not Mudit.” And then there was a silence Shaunak being friends with her over 13yrs knew Nishi in and out, it would not be false to say Shaunak knew Nishi better than Nishi. With a sigh Nishi replied “Let it go I don’t want to discuss that”. Mudit, someone Nishi has grown very close to in recent time. She has never let anyone come closer to her while she struggled to fix a fragile marriage of hers but this time someone really touched her. Mudit has become an immense part of her life in short period of time. She felt that someone is there to understand her, someone is there she can count on and above all someone is there to LOVE her. Love a word which Nishi used to decipher as “LOSS OF VITAL EMOTIONS” out of humor but she only knew how much she needed it. Her marriage with Hitesh was like White marriage where in husband wife are together but no relationship between them weather emotional or physical.
But love has its own price, Mudit being in love with Nishi was not hidden from both of them and Nishi has also become fond of him. Mudit has been standing next to her ever since he realized how he feels for her and above all he knew how she feels for him. But unlike any fairytale this story has a bitter ending. Mudit being only son of the family and heir of the family business has sworn to get married to someone his parents would seek for him and this has not hidden from Nishi. The last night discussion with Mudit has left Nishi in a situation where in she is cursing herself on the decision of getting married to Hitesh and cursing the tradition of Indian society of not accepting separated woman.
Breaking the silence Shaunak speaks “ Hathi.. ( a name Shaunak uses for Nishi) you are an emotional fool sometime . Let it go if some guy claims he loves you but does not have balls to stand and spend his rest of life with you he does not deserves you.” With trying to add humor to the conversation “ And by far he has not got the taste of real you he will regret one day you have better to come in your life, as if now u need to concentrate on your health, job and above all removing the shackles which are restraining you to move on” Sudden sound of small child distracted the conversation. It was Keshava, Shaunak’s almost a year old son “ Nishi I’ll speak to you later Keshu is awake and DON’T THINK MUCH” said Shaunak and disconnected the phone.
Nishi after leaving her job been spending most of the time on Facebook, instincts on writing seems to be evolving again she wrote few things after decade maybe cause of the emotional trauma she is going through right now. Writing her heart out has helped her a lot in making decisions and also in understanding the situation which were blurred before. Here she was online again and noticed a school junior has tagged her in some old school pictures of her. A picture of short hair girl wearing football jersey with soccer ball in her hand full of life and a strange content smile on her face. It was her during 11th standard she was captain of school soccer team, rather being amused seeing her photograph she sighed, after her miscarriage and accident she did put on lot of weight but managed to reduce a lot but she knows it’s not enough. There was a message from Kevin saying need to discuss work. Kevin Kaustab, one of Nishi’s pal whom she has been seeking guidance on new venture and work.
Kevin or Kev as known to friends was once an aspiring model, Nishi being a tomboy has never seen a guy who is so self conscious about grooming at times he fails women in same . Kev and Nishi were introduced through a common friend but since their thoughts were similar they became good friends. Kev despite being from UP (Uttar Pradesh) has adapted so well as per the metro and new trends that no one can counter his knowledge over IT, fashion and art & literature. Despite of good experience in IT sector he is thriving to do something on his own, reason again LOVE. Kev wants to prove and stand with high head in-front THE LOVE of his life, Hema who has been with him past 10yrs. But as mentioned before love has its own price Hema is now seeking closures in their relationships which has has struck Kev with unknowing stress. Nishi and Kev often discuss their work and personal life being guide to each other their friendship has become stronger. Nishi always tells Kev she never feels that she is talking to man about all this and Kev counters her saying that he never feels he is doing the same with a Woman.
After seeing the message Nishi calls Kev ” hey Kev saw your message tell me whats new”. Kev replied ” Nothing much you tell me any discussion with Mudit regarding work”. Nishi went quit there- there was that name again but she cant avoid the name can she as she, Kev and Mudit were planning to do a venture togather but after last night conversation it seems to be impossible. Noticing the silence Kev spoke ” You did not speak to him about that did you?” Nishi kept quit the answer was loud and clear. Kev spoke again “let go of him, he is bounded. You cant afford to be fragile as this point in of your life” Nishi finally spoke “Kev I understand what you are saying but……..sigh I cant make you understand” . Kev knew whats wrong with Nishi, he knew there is a battle going with in her so he restricted his words and changed the topic. ” I have sent you few links do the research work on that “. Nishi nodded saying “Yes will do so” and disconnected the call.
Later that evening Nishi finally spoke to Mudit, both were hesitant speaking to each other after last nights discussion. “Mudit I have come to an decision for us ” says Nishi but before she could say anything further Mudit spoke “Lets be only friends Nishi, I think thats good for us. I cant loose you for something which I am unable to do so rather I would have you like this forever” . Nishi froze as if a thousand bolt of lighting struck her, her mind stopped working ,heart sank. She knew this day would come but so soon, after gathering her thought Nishi finally spoke ” I was thinking the same lets be friends only” stopping her tears within her and trying to be compose she added ” I have to go somewhere Mudit and do call Kev he wants to discuss something about work I will catch you later bye” she disconnected the call before Mudit even can reply. There was rage of anger and sadness as tears flowing out of her eyes. She cried loud this time after ages not sobbing but howling as if someone has lost something very precious to them.
After few minutes she found herself watching pictures which they took on their last vacations, a thought came in her mind “I thought this would be the LAST MOUNTAIN I have to climb” but unfortunately it was not. Will she ever find that LAST MOUNTAIN where after reaching the top she could finally rest for her life………..